The Deal Breaker Files: American Cheese

When you've been patronizing from the same work cafeteria for eight years certain things besides desired cuisine begin to affect your lunchtime decisions. It all seemed so vast at the beginning: Indian steam tray buffets, panini pressers galore, depressive sushi chef prepared California rolls, whack-a-mole style soup garrisons, and the grill. The multitude of stations that once provided mood fulfillment and taste bud choice now all appear as one amorphous corporate alternative to the never ending make-your-own salad empires of midtown Manhattan. Before I might have chose the grill to satisfy a greasy protein craving but now I meander towards the line to observe Ferdie, the most skilled and dedicated worker in the kitchen. His spirits are mysteriously beyond the work's obvious drudgery. He completes the most seemingly inane tasks, like the setting of two cooked egg whites on rye toast, with a level of previously unimaginable precision.

My reason for entering the deli line last Tuesday was different. A woman who I sporadically fancy from afar was standing at the back of the line with her friend. When it became her turn to order I rotated my head 20 degrees counterclockwise in order to better hear what she had decided. In a slightly annoying tri-state area accent she blurted out "Ham and cheese on wheat toast." When the server asked her what kind of cheese the woman paused, visually took in her neatly stacked options sitting behind the germ protected glass pane, and calmly replied "American cheese, please." American cheese!?! Kraft Singles?!? My heart sank. I couldn't believe that she had overtly made such an obviously poor decision. It will never be the same between us. I could never fancy a woman who preferred American cheese over other less processed and more flavorful cheeses no matter what the circumstance.

Add it to The Deal Breaker Files.

Unmalleable Breakfast

The icon of The Great American Wall Street Trader is routinely glorified, demonized, envied, castigated, heralded, and morally cast down. Journalistic tee-ball pieces detailing exorbitant year-end bonuses and the splurges of charity and luxury that ensue are becoming more commonplace as the 2008 political dissension of Wall Street vs. Main Street escalates. But how many of these angered Main Street Americans, who routinely elevate these stories to "Yahoo most emailed" status, really understand the capitalist combine that threshes seemingly random numbers into gold? Maybe if people realized how demanding these jobs REALLY were they'd be more lenient on what might only SEEM like oversized paydays. The note below, distributed by a senior Wall Street trader inside their institution during market hours, affords us a tiny glimpse into high level conversations taking place behind the gilded gates of a top tier investment bank. I challenge anyone to find an anecdote that more accurately summarizes the intellectual rigors that power our economy.

Real names and locations have been omitted.

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OKAY, HERE IS THE DEAL:

EVERY DAY JOHNNY OFFERSIDE ORDERS BREAKFAST FOR A COUPLE GUYS ON THE DESK. RIGHT NOW I AM ONE OF THOSE GUYS. I WOULD LIKE TO STOP RECIEVING MY BREAKFAST ORDER, BUT JOHNNY ALLOWS NO CHANGES TILL THE END OF THE YEAR. EITHER HE, OR THE DELI COULD NOT HANDLE EVEN THE MOST MINOR OF CHANGES. THAT SAID, I AM ALLOWED TO FIND A REPLACEMENT. THIS IS MY DAILY ORDER: EGG WHITES, BACON, WHEAT TOAST AND A BANANA. MY SHARE IS $20 A WEEK. IS ANYONE ON THE 5TH FLOOR, SOUTH SIDE OF 666 WALL STREET, INTERESTED IN TAKING MY SPOT? IT IS GOOD TILL THE END OF THE YEAR, AND I WILL SUBSIDIZE WITH A ONE TIME $20 CASH PAYMENT.

STEVE BIDDLEBACK
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Favorite Music of 2007

Favorite Album Releases of 2007
1. The Clientele - God Save The Clientele
2. Shout Out Louds - Our Ill Wills
3. World's End Girlfriend - Hurtbreak Wonderland
4. The National - Boxer
5. Blonde Redhead - 23
6. Menomena - Friend and Foe
7. Richard Hawley - Lady's Bridge
8. Cinematic Orchestra - Ma Fleur
9. Sally Shapiro - Disco Romance
10. Explosions In The Sky - All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone

Other Much Liked Albums
The Fiery Furnaces, Great Lake Swimmers, Justice, Hauschka, Keren Ann, Mum, The Rosebuds, Lucky Soul, Simian Mobile Disco, Of Montreal, My Teenage Stride, Matthew Shipp, The 1900s, Lymbyc System, The Field, Jens Lekman, Aesop Rock, Andrew Bird, Maps, Mice Parade

Favorite Album Cover
Efterklang - Under Giant Trees

Favorite Lyrical Verse
"Do you really think you can just put in a safe behind a painting lock it up and leave...?"
The National - Start a War

Favorite Bedtime Album
Japancakes - Loveless

Favorite Song
Of Montreal - Heimdalsgate Like A Promethean Curse

Velvet Rope Scars

The below note was written by a friend (who will remain anonymous) in response to a query for "upper crust" nightlife recommendations. A sad, hilarious, and telling commentary on a slice of New York nightlife written by one who isn't famous, connected, attractive, or female enough to wander carelessly through bouncer protected gates.

>>>>>>

K:

You may want to also forward this commentary to your friend.

These pearls of wisdom do not come from any innate hipness I possess, but from brute-force trial and error over the years in the NYC bar/lounge/club scene.

1) Unless you are going to a private party, very little is happening in NYC until **after** 11pm. Some of the hottest places don't even open up their doors until 11pm. Most places peak around 2:30am and tend to peter out by 3:30am. That being said, if you can get into a good place before 11pm it may make sense to just grab a few drinks in a relaxed setting (albeit devoid of girls) until it becomes more populated. This strategy will work at almost all places with the exception of the Rose Bar @ The Gramercy Park Hotel and other X-Level establishments where they will sweep out the Riff-Raff at 11pm.

2) Bottle Service: If it is within your budget this will work wonders in two dimensions: it will maker it infinitely easier to get into any of the hot places (especially as we may be on the precipice of a economic recession) AND more importantly it gives you a Home Base of Operations. This Home Base is very important for several reasons in that it enables you to have a secure seating area in the VIP area and serves as an attractive lure for a particular type of woman. The VIP is not Nirvana, it does not make you smarter, better looking or more witty. But it is less crowded place and extremely easy to invite people back there.

The bottle is approx $400 all-in per bottle of liquor (with tip and tax). That price will not change much from bar-to-bar. Having the table and bottle is the surest path to a fun-night (I know its unimaginative, but it works) and you can be creative with forming your own little party within a party. (ie you, your friends and 6 Norweigian Airline Stewardess, etc).

Most clubs have a minimum botle requirement for a group of people depnding on the guy/girl ratio.
Here are a few permutations of the bottle requirements for both an "A" level bar and a "B" level bar (with A being more popular). "X" level bars have been omitted.

Two guys
A-Level: 2 bottles
B-Level: 1 bottle

Two guys one girl
A-Level: 2 bottles
B-Level: 1 bottle

Three guys
A-Level: 2-3 bottles
B-Level: 1-2 bottles

Two guys Two girls
A-Level: 2 bottles
B-Level: 2 bottles

Two guys Three girls
A-Level: 2 bottles
B-Level: 2 bottles

Remember if you are buying bottles and inviting guests to your table, be sure to budget approx one extra bottle per every 3 people getting the table as the guests will certainly want a drink and it may take a few iterations to find the correct group of guests to stay for the duration.

Examples of A level clubs: Bungaloo 8, Marquee , Cain, Tenjune, Socialista
Examples of B level Clubs: Home, Guest House, PM